So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
this is an emotional support booty call
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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