So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
