i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
