thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize