The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
