come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize