and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
