After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
