Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize