she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
