If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
