On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
