Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize