guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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