nut hugger
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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