If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
