I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have post one night stand depression
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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