Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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