I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am full of burrito and curiosity
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
