he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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