your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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