Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
