Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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