she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
