so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
