She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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