I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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