I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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