there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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