Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
this boner is exhausting
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
