I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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