see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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