i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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