The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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