you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
