and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
