careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
