Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
