I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
