he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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