I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
