Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
