70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
