This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
