Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
