onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize