Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
