Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
