I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
