you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize