You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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