The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
