If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
