Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
