Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
