These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
