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All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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