i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
