It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
