I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
