if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
