You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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