I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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