Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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