Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
